I Feel Beautiful

May 31, 2009

Filed under: Planning,Social — Jill @ 2:53 PM
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I didn’t meet my goal of being a little more social yesterday, but my interview went incredibly well, partially due to making the effort to really engage my interviewer on a personal level. It wasn’t the original goal, but it’s a start and if it gets me a job, so much the better.

I have another interview tomorrow — let’s see if I can do it again.

 

May 29, 2009

Filed under: Planning,Social — Jill @ 8:21 PM
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As may be obvious, I need to get out of the house more. I am hermit-like by nature, but right now it’s important to meet new people, make new friends, and broaden my world a little bit. It’s hard to do all of that from the couch.

I have a job interview tomorrow and while I’m out, I’m going to walk around the Village a bit, stop in the coffee shop where I used to work, and just be open to talking to people. I’ve also committed to going to the bar with my roommates on Tuesday. I’ll stick around long enough to watch the hockey game if nothing else.

I should also head back to the shop in Reno sometime next week; I think my presence there will only help my chances of employment. Not only that, it’s an oddly social place for me so it will give me a chance to practice talking to strangers. I always feel more friendly, more obligated to be friendly, in places where other people may feel awkward but I don’t.

My current social goals really are that simple right now. Get out of the house and talk to people. Give myself a chance to like people. Don’t just hide in the house because it’s easy. Once I settle into a job and schedule for the summer, I’ll work my way up to getting in touch with some of the people I worked with this winter. It was always my friend C who encouraged me to put myself out there more and who reminded me of how likable I am; I still have to do those things, even now that we’re not friends.

 

May 27, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 7:37 PM
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I just lost my best friend. It’s been coming for almost a year now, but I’m still hurt.

Even as I sent the email, email because he’s refused to talk about this for months, I knew he really did love me and, as intentional as it felt, didn’t really want to drive me away. Heartbroken sounds melodramatic of course, but I am. I’m grieving for everything I’ve lost — I’ve never been loved like that before — but I’m also grieving for him. He lost me in a way that I suspect feels final. One of our mutual friends pointed out that I wasn’t the first person to lose him in this way — he pushes everyone away if they get too close.

I lost someone I can never replace and so did he. The difference is, this is pushing me out into the world, inspiring me to make new friends, form new bonds. Obviously he’ll do the same, but he’ll wall himself off, using a blend of distance and cruelty to keep anyone from connecting with him. I want to be that close to someone again. How do you become so hurt that love is something to end instead of cultivate? Someone I love has created a pattern that can only hurt him and I can’t stand to watch, let alone participate.

The universe seems to be trying to remind me that this is not forever. Life and relationships ebb and flow and things will be different somewhere down the line. After all, if anyone had told me just over a year ago, when we were in bed pouring our hearts out to each other, that I’d be living two thousand miles away, sending an email asking him to give me space, I’d have laughed in complete disbelief. It’s hard to have faith though — I’ve never gotten anyone back in any real way. I just want to push forward to that time when we can heal all of this, both our relationship and each other.