I Feel Beautiful

Proof June 7, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 5:37 PM
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Last fall I fought with C for two solid weeks. Nothing was resolved, but when I moved we stopped fighting. We didn’t speak for three months. During those three months I did my best not to think about him; I sequestered every song, every photo, every thing that could evoke a memory of him. This time around I’ve started doing the same things, but today, via The Happiness Project, I found something that’s making me reconsider.

proof

This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon when things were still good between us, and she embraced me. And we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look, see for yourself!

Those things aren’t just bitter reminders that I have lost something huge, but also proof that I really did have this beautiful, challenging, life-changing experience. In the months that it took for us to lose each other so completely, I asked myself over and over if the years of our friendship were worth what I was going through at that moment. I have wondered if I imagined how well I was loved — could I have misunderstood so much? Now I have proof, proof that it was worth it, proof that I was loved.

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May 27, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 7:37 PM
Tags: , , ,

I just lost my best friend. It’s been coming for almost a year now, but I’m still hurt.

Even as I sent the email, email because he’s refused to talk about this for months, I knew he really did love me and, as intentional as it felt, didn’t really want to drive me away. Heartbroken sounds melodramatic of course, but I am. I’m grieving for everything I’ve lost — I’ve never been loved like that before — but I’m also grieving for him. He lost me in a way that I suspect feels final. One of our mutual friends pointed out that I wasn’t the first person to lose him in this way — he pushes everyone away if they get too close.

I lost someone I can never replace and so did he. The difference is, this is pushing me out into the world, inspiring me to make new friends, form new bonds. Obviously he’ll do the same, but he’ll wall himself off, using a blend of distance and cruelty to keep anyone from connecting with him. I want to be that close to someone again. How do you become so hurt that love is something to end instead of cultivate? Someone I love has created a pattern that can only hurt him and I can’t stand to watch, let alone participate.

The universe seems to be trying to remind me that this is not forever. Life and relationships ebb and flow and things will be different somewhere down the line. After all, if anyone had told me just over a year ago, when we were in bed pouring our hearts out to each other, that I’d be living two thousand miles away, sending an email asking him to give me space, I’d have laughed in complete disbelief. It’s hard to have faith though — I’ve never gotten anyone back in any real way. I just want to push forward to that time when we can heal all of this, both our relationship and each other.