I Feel Beautiful

Proof June 7, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 5:37 PM
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Last fall I fought with C for two solid weeks. Nothing was resolved, but when I moved we stopped fighting. We didn’t speak for three months. During those three months I did my best not to think about him; I sequestered every song, every photo, every thing that could evoke a memory of him. This time around I’ve started doing the same things, but today, via The Happiness Project, I found something that’s making me reconsider.

proof

This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon when things were still good between us, and she embraced me. And we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look, see for yourself!

Those things aren’t just bitter reminders that I have lost something huge, but also proof that I really did have this beautiful, challenging, life-changing experience. In the months that it took for us to lose each other so completely, I asked myself over and over if the years of our friendship were worth what I was going through at that moment. I have wondered if I imagined how well I was loved — could I have misunderstood so much? Now I have proof, proof that it was worth it, proof that I was loved.

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Things that are strange and surreal. June 6, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 2:50 PM
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Last night I called a friend, Win, that I haven’t seen since the end of the ski season. It was supposed to be a business call, but within minutes I found myself agreeing to go to meet him at a party. Moving out here pretty much ended my rare inclinations to be social — I live with my closest friends here so why would I need to go out? The few times I have, Win has been there. Half the time he’s been the reason I left the house at all.

My roommates laughed at me the entire time I was getting ready, but it was nice to see him. For reasons I’m not sure I understand, we’re both inclined to take care of each other. I experienced a very startling moment of clarity a few months ago when I realized that he genuinely cared about me, no visible strings attached. I know it sounds unbearably insecure to be surprised when someone cares for you, but given that I was in the process of losing my best friend (and there are some strange overlaps between the two of them) I’m going to give myself a pass on that.

I say there are no visible strings, but I’m questioning that. I am not a terribly social individual and he was the only person I knew at last night’s party, so I wanted to leave after about 30 minutes. I was there to see him and I had completed that mission, but he talked me into staying so I promised another half an hour. An hour later we were at his house and I was ready to go. Had it just been us and another former coworker and maybe even his roommates, whom I’d never met, I’d have been okay and might have genuinely enjoyed myself, but it was us, another former coworker, and half a dozen complete strangers. I was overwhelmed, as is typical for me, and he may have taken that personally. And this is where the strings come in. His argument was that I should just be social; why does he care about my social life or lack thereof? If it was less about that and more about him wanting to spend more time with me, that at least makes sense, but that wasn’t his approach.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I think that once we get to know each other better and can relax a little more, we’ll have a rather spectacular relationship. All the same, I have to wonder what I think I’m doing. I can see the similarities between this relationship and the one I just lost. I can see the differences too, but is this fair to him? Do I care about him for legitimate reasons, or am I still trying to hold on to something that is gone? Writing those thoughts out helped. Those parallels aren’t going anywhere, but I do think my interest in him is about him, not C. There’s a lot to him that I want in my life right now and I should spend more time nurturing this relationship and less time thinking of reasons to hide from it.

I’m going to up to the summit tomorrow for a job interview. I’ll give him a call and do my best to build this instead up of tearing it down.

 

May 27, 2009

Filed under: Social — Jill @ 7:37 PM
Tags: , , ,

I just lost my best friend. It’s been coming for almost a year now, but I’m still hurt.

Even as I sent the email, email because he’s refused to talk about this for months, I knew he really did love me and, as intentional as it felt, didn’t really want to drive me away. Heartbroken sounds melodramatic of course, but I am. I’m grieving for everything I’ve lost — I’ve never been loved like that before — but I’m also grieving for him. He lost me in a way that I suspect feels final. One of our mutual friends pointed out that I wasn’t the first person to lose him in this way — he pushes everyone away if they get too close.

I lost someone I can never replace and so did he. The difference is, this is pushing me out into the world, inspiring me to make new friends, form new bonds. Obviously he’ll do the same, but he’ll wall himself off, using a blend of distance and cruelty to keep anyone from connecting with him. I want to be that close to someone again. How do you become so hurt that love is something to end instead of cultivate? Someone I love has created a pattern that can only hurt him and I can’t stand to watch, let alone participate.

The universe seems to be trying to remind me that this is not forever. Life and relationships ebb and flow and things will be different somewhere down the line. After all, if anyone had told me just over a year ago, when we were in bed pouring our hearts out to each other, that I’d be living two thousand miles away, sending an email asking him to give me space, I’d have laughed in complete disbelief. It’s hard to have faith though — I’ve never gotten anyone back in any real way. I just want to push forward to that time when we can heal all of this, both our relationship and each other.